Unlike The Best Films of 2016, the worst films do have an order. It’s based on how anger-worthy the films are from least rage-inducing to most. This will probably be an unconventional list, because it has less to do with bad production value and incompetence and is instead more focused on what the film is trying to say and if that message is toxic, misinformed, mean-spirited or simply undetectable (see: Yoga Hosers). It’s easy to look at a film like Norm of the North and say it’s bad, so this list is staying away from easy targets for the most part. There are a few thrown in, because truth be told, the Fishnet Cinema team didn’t see a lot of bad films last year. Everything else was awful, so we managed to avoid spending money on films that would make us miserable.
At least, for the most part.
Here are the films, counting down from 10 to 1:
10. Alice Through the Looking Glass
DELIVER US FROM LATTER CAREER WIFE ABUSER JOHNNY DEPP
9. The Angry Birds Movie
“It’s just a movie a for kids!” he wailed as The Children’s Media Uprising of 2020 wiped out him and every money hungry film executive who tried to force feed trash into the minds of the young and impressionable.
8. Suicide Squad
The DCU has no idea how to write characters. It just takes out action figures and slams them into each other. This film is a masterpiece of bad editing, bad music choices, bad writing, bad direction, sexism, racism, misogynoir and a surplus of useless characters. Though, I have one compliment: Margot Robbie does an amazing job as Harley Quinn and all the hate she got for her performance was incredibly sexist.
Also: Thanks for the random, unexplained BDSM in my superhero movie, David Ayer! I’m sure your lack of nuance isn’t going to lead to any confusion for anyone!
7. Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice
Wonder Woman is the only thing worth paying attention to in this film, and as mentioned on We Hate Movies she spends most of the film playing Catwoman and only really does anything in the big ending fight. This film is the Pride and Prejudice of superhero films, and by that I mean: no one communicates with each other, the whole drama is drawn out due to characters having misconceptions about each other and the whole thing takes much longer than actually necessary. Unlike Jane Austen’s classic novel though, the ending is unsatisfying and outrageously stupid. The running time is bloated by subplots that go nowhere and Batman’s dreams and premonitions (because apparently Batman has the power of sight now). Jesse Eisenberg threw out the script and decided to play The Joker. Holly Hunter plays a magical creature (see: a Democratic Senator from Kentucky). The lighting and editing make the action unable to follow. The drab color palette dulls my spirt and almost lulled me to sleep multiple times. Lois Lane is poorly written and is barely saved my Amy Adams’s charm. Zack Snyder’s incompetence is a reminder of Christopher Nolan’s achievement with dark superhero material and how it’s not as easy it looks.
The thing about allegory is that it needs to be responding to something. Equals is not responding to anything current that I can think of. Western society isn’t currently cracking down on emotions (unless you care about social justice). Imagine if this film was a commentary on the way that we silence people for caring about racism, sexism and other social issues? That would be timely and worth talking about. But as it stands, this film has no teeth. It doesn’t seem to be pointing the finger at anyone. In which case, why not just do a romance about two people who suck at showing their emotions to each other? The futuristic setting seems to only exist as an excuse for the actors to give flat performances as they all dress in white and stand around dreamy blue light. What does it mean that they are in a society where emotion is illegal? What does it mean that the ending of the film is a fight for them to run from the cure being forced upon them? What it is supposed to make the audience feel? Because the only thing it succeeded in making me feel was bored and vaguely horny for reasons I don’t understand.
5. Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
JK Rowling is great at prose, but the screenplay she wrote for this film is very bad. She is not a bad writer, but maybe she’s bad at screenplays. And that’s perfectly okay, because it’s not her bread-and-butter. But man, is this movie trash. Eddie Redmayne is charming, but that doesn’t make up for the fact that Dan Fogler is just mediocre. I don’t understand why Hollywood keeps trying to make Dan Fogler happen. He’s not charming enough. He’s not talented enough. HE DOESN’T HAVE THE RANGE. And it wouldn’t be an issue if this film didn’t want me to like him so fucking much. All it did was make me hate him more. The other huge problem with Fantastic Beasts is that it’s barely about the beasts. It’s about Colin Farrell being Johnny Depp in disguise. It’s about Samantha Morton abusing Grown Man Playing a Teenager Ezra Miller. It’s about Newt, a character who honestly comes off asexual, having a tepid romance. It’s about shoe-horning representations of weird and sometimes problematic places (see: Executioner Mammy, Josephine Baker Goblin, Incompetent Black Female President, Zoe Kravitz playing a PICTURE). It’s about everything except the fucking beasts, and that is it’s most infuriating offense.
4. Yoga Hosers
Does Kevin Smith hate women? Does he find this film endearing? Has his mind been regressing since he started smoking weed? For more of my questions check out the rest of my notes on the film. This is a film insulting on every level, embarrassing for everyone involved (with the exception of Harley Quinn Smith and Lily Rose Depp, who are children following their fathers’ lead and thus not responsible for this trash) and the largest waste of money since Dinesh D’Souza’s entire filmography. You know, for a few years now I’ve been working on a script that I see as a feminist send-up to Clerks. When I heard about this film I was worried it would be so good that there would be no point finishing my script. Then I saw it. Crisis everted. I’m finishing my script this year.
3. The Neon Demon
Things The Neon Demon Says About Women and Girls:
- Women are obsessed with their appearance and value it over friendships, romantic relationships and common morality.
- There is nothing more evil than a teenage girl who is confident and likes the way she looks. Teenage girls are essentially manipulative monsters who know how to get whatever they want with their deceptively innocent faces.
- Women are jealous and mean-spirited by nature, especially if they’re skinny and have traditionally appreciated facial features.
- If a woman is not jealous of another woman, she’s obsessed with her sexually.
Just watch Showgirls instead. It’s less sexist than this film, if you can believe it.
Someone actually thought this film was a good idea. Someone actually thought that a film about a stalker/kidnapper/manipulator/basically murderer and his abused hostage falling in love and saving a malfunctioning ship was a worthy enough premise for a big-budget Hollywood film opening on CHRISTMAS. This is a fake movie for Vinny Chase to do on “Entourage”. Imagine Passengers with Vincent Chase, Sasha Grey and Johnny Drama. That would be a trainwreck, sure, but it would be a trainwreck I would only have to see dailies of in-between scenes of Turtle smoking weed and Ari yelling at Lloyd. I spent my time in the theater watching this film clenching my fists and throwing air punches at Chris Pratt’s face. Hollywood has stretched his likability and now he’s Flubber; kind of charming, but infuriating to watch after a wide length of time. Jennifer Lawrence is good in this film, but she can’t rise above the sexist script. Here’s hoping that Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 brings Pratt back into our good graces. Lawrence has already survived Serena, which is proof enough she can get past a truly awful film. Passengers is still in theaters: Do not waste your money.
1. Sausage Party
Sausage Party is the film equivalent of a white bro cornering you at a party and telling you exactly what’s wrong with the world, whose fault it is and how he would fix it- all while double-fisting two PBR tall boys. I have never encountered Cecily Strong’s “The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With At a Party” character, but I have met a million of these Truth-Telling Dude Bros. Nothing ruins my buzz more than having some privileged, white, atheist Bill Maher-in-Training speaking at me with authority on race, gender roles, religion and the Middle East. I’ve never been one to say “stay in your lane” when it comes to artists mostly known for light comedy delve into more tough material (even though between this film and Red State, I’d say it’s worth talking about), but the self-congratulatory nature of this film is what makes it really insufferable. It’s a racist, sexist film that is all about liberation from oppressive power structures. But it’s biggest offense is having no teeth: It takes softball shots at Christianity when it could have thrown hardball shots at the government. Though, I’m not sure what I expected from a film where bath salts are a major plot point. Oh, and, these all-mighty truth tellers mistreated its animators.